david dalpiaz dot com

My local Episcopalian elementary school is raising some hardcore conservatives.

No, that in and of itself is not a bad thing (yes it is), but these children are not destined to be the intelligent, slightly misguided conservatives that can at least be tolerated. These are some staunch conservatives. These kids are so conservative they can barely be considered American. Or human. Let me explain.

Now I was at the “campus” of this church/school over the weekend for a choir performance and found myself with a little time to kill. Inadequately entertained by the laminated signs preaching humility posted on ever flat surface on the property, I walked around some of the classrooms. Displayed on one classroom’s window was an example of the stellar work these tykes are doing: a paper teapot decorated by each student accompanying a paragraph detailing their opinion of the Boston Tea Party.

Here’s where we begin running into trouble. The Episcopalians, a group progressive enough to support same-sex marriage, have a whole bunch of junior members who are against the Boston Tea Party. That is to say, a commanding majority of the opinions posted on this window sided with the Loyalists over the Sons of Liberty. Yes, forget the fact that this revolutionary event in American history was an important precursor to the U.S. gaining its independence, the Boston Tea Party was bad because they broke the law! A significant number of opinions were fervently in favor of charging each of these revolutionaries with treason and lynching them for throwing His Majesty’s tea into Boston Harbor. Plus, those nasty Sons of Liberty tried to pin it on the poor Indians!

If only that was the worst crime committed against the poor Indians.

More entertaining still: The only reason anyone sided with the Sons of Liberty was because they were against high taxes! I believe the word “representation” was used in only one student’s paragraph. Encouraging!

Some choice direct quotations:

“They could have grown herbs and made their own tea!”

“It is also possible that the Loyalists did not join the Sons of Liberty that night because they had other things to do, such as having friends over for dinner.”

Yes, I am picking on elementary schoolers. Deal with it.
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