The Hype Train: Walk Hard

10 Reasons Walk Hard is Going to Rock (Hard)

1. It’s a mockrockumentary in the tradition of Spinal Tap.
2. It stars John C. Reilly as a musician whose career transitions from crooning to protest folk to disco.
3. It’s directed by Knocked Up artiste Judd Apatow.
4. Pam (”Jenna Fischer”) is in it.
5. Jack White as Elvis Presley.
6. Jack Black as Paul McCartney.
7. Paul Rudd as John Lennon.
8. Eddie Vedder appears in an allusion to his Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction speeches.
9. An awards ceremony in the film features a tribute to the main character performed by (ready?) Jewel, Jackson Browne, and Ghostface Killah.
10. Supporting cast highlights: David Koechner, Kristen Wiig, Tim Meadows, Justin Long, Ed Helms, and Chris Parnell.

As gleaned from the newest Rolling Stone. IMDB.
Acenate

The DDDC Guarantee: License to Wed will suck.

License to Wed is a film slated to be released to theaters on July 3rd of 2007. It will suck.

I have not yet seen License to Wed, and, god willing, I will not see License to Wed. This is because I do not enjoy paying to see things that suck. And, to reiterate, License to Wed is something that will suck.

I know this because I am blessed with a sixth sense about crappy movies. However, you need not be one of the chosen, like myself, in order to avoid the abortive onslaught that is License to Wed. No, License to Wed’s crappiness is, in fact, readily apparent to the naked eye. I shall explain.

From the trailer alone, one can glean the basic storyline of License to Wed. Genial, wry everyman (John Krasinski) wants very much to be with generally attractive but unremarkable girl (Mandy Moore), but must first endure absurd “comedic” trials placed in his path by the girl’s priest or something (Robin Williams).

I’m not sure where to begin now, my issues are so abundant. For one, it’s freaking Meet the Parents. It’s the same freaking movie. They replaced the psychotic father with a psychotic priest, threw in some scenes with a woman driving a car blindfolded, put their names on the script and called it a night. Change priest to father in the above paragraph and plug in the names of the cast (Stiller/Polo/De Niro). Go ahead, I’ll wait. Indeed, Meet the Parents sucked, and here’s why: It invented this heinous formula, which has also been utilized by cinematic classics like The Ex, and, in modified format, School for Scoundrels and Anger Management. If you own any of those movies on DVD, please hit the back button on your browser and never return.

What these films do is take a giant steaming dump all over the protagonist for about an hour and a half, during which time his love interest not only doubts but usually leaves him, his friends and workplace superiors catch him in awkward (but totally explainable!) situations with all sorts of horrible consequences, and, in some cases, the psychotic guy causing all this grief is revealed to be doing so intentionally, I suppose because he wants to drive our hero (and us) to suicide. Meanwhile, the audience is never convinced why said love interest is so great in the first place - especially considering how chronically untrusting and boring she is - the hero repeatedly fails to take any sort of proactive steps such as buying an automatic weapon and taking his revenge on everyone that has appeared on screen, and then through some miraculous deus ex machina, the hero proves to everyone why he’s great and the other guy sucks. Cue the big kiss, roll the credits, feel free to take this time to shoot yourself in the face.

Is this supposed to be entertaining? Am I supposed to enjoy watching the movie’s only likable character having his life reduced to shreds for no discernible reason on a giant screen? Of all the genial, wry everymen, Stiller was probably the best equipped and even he could not overcome the script’s stale reliance on physical comedy (dead) and UPROARIOUS confrontations directly proceeding the hero being caught doing something inappropriate. This is compounded by the fact that in order to enjoy these films you need a Teflon suspension of disbelief, too, because the circumstances and occurrences presented are further removed from reality than those on any given episode of WWE Raw. The priest bugs their apartment, for Christ’s sake. Movies like these have a 65% likelihood of being described as “zany” by reviewers in the commercials and on the posters, and a 100% chance of being painful to sit through.

Another problem is the presence of Robin Williams, who plays the role of Robin Williams. He will probably be using a wacky voice loudly.

Also concerning me: Mandy Moore is a little frumpy. She will never be as hot as she was when she was 15 and as a result she is a constant disappointment. Note: I was 13 when she was 15, so I’m allowed to say this.

Furthermore, DEMON ROBOT BABIES.

Glimmers of hope: 1. Flipbook humor. 2. Basically everybody from The Office looks to be in this. At least Jim, Kevin and Kelly are. Like Pam in Blades of Glory, though, they will be reprising their roles from their hit television show and as a result are doomed to be one-trick ponies for the rest of their lives. Prove me wrong.
Acenate

A Short, Incomplete List of Things I Love About The Office

Pretzel Day: Never has there been a more passionate character than Stanley on Pretzel Day. “I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like Pretzel Day…” Stanley’s sure don’t grow on trees.

Toby: ‘Nuff said.

Team Pam: Let the record show that I have been Team Pam since day one. Karen may have pulled off a few decent pranks recently but she will never reach the level of prankster that Jim and Pam have. Until she makes Dwight buy back his belongings from the vending machine with a bag of nickels, or sends Andy to anger management, her game is weak. Together, Jim and Pam are an unstoppable team. I think this is the first time I’ve watched television and wanted something to happen, instead of just passively watching and wondering what will happen. Also, Pam is hotter. (See Nate’s post on Blades of Glory.)

Michael’s Ringtones: I always pay more attention when Michael’s phone rings.

Anytime Dwight and Michael perform a musical duo: My favorite example of this has to be their rendition of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young’s Teach Your Children.

Anytime Jim looks at the camera: Clearly Jim doesn’t need to talk to be hilarious. (See the episode in which Pam calls jinx.)

Creed Bratton: Do you know who plays Creed Bratton? CREED BRATTON! If you aren’t as excited as I obviously am, you need to do some reading on The Grass Roots. That’s right, I’m talking about the band that brought us hits like: Let’s Live For Today, Midnight Confessions, Sooner or Later and Temptation Eyes. They toured with Cream for crying out loud. Creed isn’t just a mung bean-eating, self-described kleptomaniac, he’s a mung bean-eating, self-described kleptomaniac from The Grass Roots. How could you not love this forgetful, nine-toed quality assurance representative?

Roy Smash: Thursday cannot come soon enough. With some luck, all will be right in the world after Thursday.

That’s what she said.
Dalp

On Blades of Glory

Blades of Glory spins a delightful yarn about two feuding figure skaters who, having been banned from the sport for fighting during an awards presentation, must team together in order to continue competing and restore their credibility. Will Ferrell plays a hairy-chested manly man who is outwardly tough and sexually crazed but turns to often-hilarious binge drinking to ease the pain from his deep insecurities, and Jon Heder plays Napoleon Dynamite playing a fay, orphaned skating wunderkind.

So, you have an idea of what to expect. However!, do not dismiss this movie as more of the same, because, while it is more of the same, it’s more of the same done exceptionally well. Ferrell’s lines are delivered with precision and laser-guided timing and Heder is actually very well suited to play the girl of the pair. The bottom line is, the setup provides ample opportunities for these two to play off of each other, and the movie nails nearly every chance they get. The skating scenes feature just enough homoerotic INNUENDO! to keep the most immature of us amused and there’s some solid physical comedy to boot.

They really use the setting to its full potential, successfully skewering everything from Olympic mascots to ________ on Ice shows. If writing funny scenes containing these things is shooting fish in a barrel, Blades of Glory just launched the barrel into the sun and then blew up the sun anyway for good measure. Drawbacks are minor, thankfully. The movie hits a minor rough patch transitioning between plots point but generally moves along at a much better clip than either Anchorman or Talladega Nights. In fact the movie just plain kicked Talladega Nights‘ ass. The soundtrack is a regrettable non-factor, with the exception of the songs actually used for the skate performances. Which are superb.

The one other gripe to be had is the misuse of some great comedic actors. The cast features a fool-proof bit performance from Will Arnett but doesn’t quite take advantage of Amy Poehler or Craig T. Nelson. Rob Corddry continues the losing streak he began on The Winner by doing a poor imitation of Jack Black. See also: Wasted cameos. Team Pam will be happy to know that Jenna Fischer essentially plays Pam, except this Pam is in a wonderful universe in which Pam wears frilly lingerie.

So if that isn’t enough for you to see the movie, fans of lingerie, you may very well enjoy it for myriad other reasons. There are explosions, chase scenes, intrinsically funny skating outfits and some surprisingly well done genre satire. Don’t bother if you’re annoyed by The Will Ferrell Role or overblown, perpetually devolving pop comedies, but do bother if you want to have some laughs at the cost of elitist nerds calling you a conformist lame College Guy. It was better than I expected and not at all a bad way to spend a night out.

Blades of Glory 4.5 stars / 5
Acenate